how can u be prego again
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
