I think I won the penis lottery.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
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She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
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I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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