he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
