when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
