Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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