Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
