booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
