You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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