I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
