i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
