No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
