My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Girls should come with a carfax report
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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