I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize