just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
