The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
