the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
