you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
