I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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