I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
