Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
