Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
