the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Randomize
