Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I need to stop coming to work sober
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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