My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
