Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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