come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
