people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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