I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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