So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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