We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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