he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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