My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
