I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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