I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
