I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
