It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.