well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments