dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today