Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
