Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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