i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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