Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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