the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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