wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
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When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
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I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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