Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
