I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
