I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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