Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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