this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
