Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
