I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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