I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
