Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
