Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
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