Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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