wrigley field is MILF paradise
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
