I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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