so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
