dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You've changed since you got that strap on
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
