Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
