I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
