Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
